Sex-Positivity – Self-Love – Starting the Revolution
I’m halfway through college and I’ve never had a boyfriend. This scares me. The last big, life-defining choice I made was college! There was a path. You applied, you got accepted or rejected, but at least you knew you were trying. Unfortunately, there is no perfect boyfriend/husband out there for me to apply to. I don’t even have a guy out there, a crush, anybody. Almost all of my friends have had a serious relationship. So what’s wrong with me?
I want a boyfriend. I want someone to come back to every night. I want ensured sex on a regular basic with someone I know. I want to be loved and to love. I’m being open, receptive, sending positive signals to the universe, but nothing is happening—nothing has happened all year.
We’ve all heard of baby fever, how at a certain point the intense desire to have children strikes some people. My parents, I know, have grandchild fever. Every baby they see on the street gets stopped. My little cousin has been virtually adopted by my parents—I come home to them teaching him how to play chess and write poetry and bake cookies. My mom wants me married, and my dad wouldn’t mind.
This year, my entire suite of five (and as it so happens, straight) girls got boyfriend fever. We searched, we cried, we got hurt. It seemed all we could discuss was guys. When the dust settled, two had great guys, one had lost a friend, and two came up empty, without even a story.
I’ve never been with somebody I could call my boyfriend. Sometimes because we just weren’t defined, sometimes because whatever it was lasted so briefly it couldn’t have a label, and sometimes because, even though we basically were dating, it just didn’t feel right. I knew I didn’t like the person. I know this worries my parents. When my mom divorced for the first time (at 32, with my older sister in tow), she got proposed to by six men in the two years before she met my father.
New life milestones keep coming our way: jobs, careers, and the elusive long-term relationship(s). And so much of it is left to chance. There is nothing we can do. The fact that any two people meet is pretty amazing; I get nervous that it won’t happen to me. I’m not even so good with retaining important friends, despite how badly I want to. But I don’t want to be single, and I don’t want to settle—heck, even if I did want to settle, I am not confident there would be somebody out there for me.
I know that someday I’ll get married, mostly because I can’t imagine anything else. By marriage, I mean have a committed long-term partner who has sworn to be mine, the person I will share my life with, the person who will always be there. Until something starts brewing though, it’s easy to see nothing but cold, oncoming, empty night.